


What's the Point in All This Screaming?

by doctornineandthreequarters



Series: Eddie Diaz Week [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Eddie Diaz Week, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Guilt, M/M, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, no beta we die like paisley's original owner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:55:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29841147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctornineandthreequarters/pseuds/doctornineandthreequarters
Summary: Eddie couldn’t look at anyone. He couldn’t meet their eyes. He couldn’t see that pity staring back at him.---Eddie Diaz Week, Day 4: “I don’t deserve this.” + guilt
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Eddie Diaz Week [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2188710
Comments: 14
Kudos: 175





	What's the Point in All This Screaming?

Eddie couldn’t look at anyone. He couldn’t meet their eyes. He couldn’t see that pity staring back at him. 

They had been called to a car accident. A mom and her son had been run off the road by a drunk driver. The team had worked as fast as they could, trying to free them while also making sure they were okay. Eddie had been trying to keep the boy in the backseat calm as Hen and Chimney checked on the mom and Buck and Bobby worked to get one of the doors off. 

Eddie had been talking to the boy one minute. And the next, he had started seizing. There was only so much Eddie could do. By the time Hen and Chimney had run back to the boy, he was already gone. 

And Eddie had felt an inexpressible grief ever since.

He was a zombie the rest of the shift, still avoiding everyone’s gazes. He had hid in the bunks whenever possible, Buck dragging him out when the shift was finally over. He hadn’t said anything since the call, but then again no had made him. It was like they all knew what was going through his head. 

“Come on,” Buck said quietly, tugging on his elbow. Eddie simply nodded, following wordlessly after Buck. He didn’t bother changing, just taking his bag from Buck and following him out of the station. He kept his head down, feeling people watch him as he left. He only lifted his head up once he was in Buck’s car, grateful that his boyfriend had driven them that day and not him.

The ride home was silent, which Eddie was grateful for. He didn’t know what would happen if someone pried. He didn’t know what would come out. He knew Buck was glancing over at him every so often, but he never said anything. He simply reached one of his hands over, gently placing it on top of Eddie’s. Eddie sniffed, already feeling tears bubbling up. He tried to fight them down. He couldn’t fall apart. He just couldn’t.

When they finally made it home, the house was dark except for the living room. They had worked late, which meant Carla had needed to stay a few extra hours. It also meant Eddie hadn’t been able to tuck Christopher in, gnawing at something in Eddie’s heart. 

He followed Buck inside, gently setting his bag down next to Buck’s as they toed their shoes off. Buck went into the living room and he could hear the soft echo of Buck and Carla’s voices. But Eddie just headed straight down the hallway. He stopped at Christopher’s door, peering in. 

Christopher was fast asleep, the covers pulled up to his chin like he liked. The soft glow of stars across the ceiling gently lit the room. He had begged Eddie to buy him the light after a visit to the planetarium. It made the ceiling glow with stars and that glow was always softly cast down on Christopher’s face. Through that gentle light, Eddie could see the content look on his son’s face as he slept.

And Eddie felt nothing but guilt.

“Eddie?”

“ **I don’t deserve this.** ” He sniffed, feeling the first tears run down his cheek. “My son is home, asleep in his bed, and safe. And that mother had to go home without her child. Her kid is dead and it’s my fault.” The tears were falling freely now, the guilt starting to drag him down. He felt Buck tugging his arm and he could do nothing but follow.

“Eddie.”

“That boy is dead because of me!” Even through his tears he could see that they were in the bedroom, the door closed behind Buck. “I didn’t do enough! I didn’t save him!”

“Eddie.”

“I could have saved him!” He could feel his chest tightening, his breaths coming out in gasps. “I should have...I didn’t…”

“Eddie!” Buck reached his hands out, grabbing Eddie’s arms. That was the final straw for Eddie and the damn burst. He stumbled forward, sobs escaping his lips. He felt Buck wrap his arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. Eddie hid his face in Buck’s neck, trying to muffle the sobs. The guilt had swallowed him whole. He hadn’t done enough. He hadn’t saved the boy.

“It’s not your fault.” When Eddie had finally calmed down, Buck was the first one to speak. “I know you feel like it is. I know calls with kids always remind you of Christopher. But Eddie, you did your job. What happened to him was not your fault.”

“But.”

“You didn’t run their car off the road,” Buck said. “You didn’t knock his head into the seat and cause that seizure. You did your job; you assessed the situation and did everything you could.”

“I just wish it could have been enough.”

“It was,” Buck said, his hands coming up to cradle Eddie’s face. “You are enough and you always will be.” The tears were back, but the guilt was being replaced by something else, something that didn’t make his heart want to shatter into a million pieces. 

“I love you,” Eddie whispered, tears falling down his cheeks again. He closed the space between them, kissing Buck. The pain was still there, the hurt from earlier still a wound on his heart. But that wound was being eased. It was being patched up through Buck’s soft and easy way of loving him.

“I love you too,” Buck said, when he pulled away, letting his forehead rest against Eddie’s, a soft look in his eyes. Buck was about to say something else when they both heard a knock at the bedroom door. Eddie wiped at his eyes as the door opened slightly, Christopher poking his head in. 

“Dad?”

“What are you doing up mijo?” Eddie asked as Buck stepped away from Eddie. The boy crossed over to him and Eddie squatted down so he was at Christopher’s eye level. 

“I heard someone shouting.” Eddie bit back a sigh. 

“I’m sorry I woke you,” He said quietly. His son just studied him for a moment, before reaching his hand up to Eddie’s cheek. 

“Did you have a bad day, dad?” 

“I did, kiddo.” Christopher just nodded before wrapping his arms around Eddie. Eddie hugged his son back, letting his face fall into his son’s unruly curls. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, dad.” Eddie could feel more and more of the guilt slipping away. Eddie pulled away, only slightly, since Christopher’s arms were still wrapped around him, to look at his son. The boy was watching him, a sweet but observant look in his eyes. “Can I stay with you and Buck tonight?” Christopher was almost ten, so he didn't often ask to stay with him anymore. So Eddie knew he wasn't asking for himself. Christopher was asking because Eddie needed it. And as the guilt receded further and further away, Eddie felt a lightness start to form in his chest. Eddie pulled his kid back for another hug, kissing the top of his head.

“Sounds like a great idea,” Eddie whispered. He stood up, scooping Christopher up with him before placing the boy on the bed. 

“You go get changed,” Buck said softly, his hand on the small of Eddie’s back. Eddie just nodded, glancing at Christopher one more time before grabbing the clothes he slept in and heading to the bathroom. He moved through the motions, focusing on the lingering feeling of Buck’s hands on his face or Christopher’s arms wrapped around him. Because if he focused on that, then the guilt would melt away, the guilt wouldn't swallow him whole again. As he went back to the room, he smiled softly at the sight of Buck and Christopher sitting together, the boy starting to doze off, his head resting on Buck’s arm. Buck looked up at him and smiled, the action going straight to Eddie’s heart. 

Once Eddie got into the bed, Buck moved Christopher so the boy was lying down. Christopher then grabbed Eddie’s arm, pulling himself closer. Eddie wrapped his arm around Christopher, his head resting on top of his son’s head. He didn’t expect to sleep, worried he might be haunted by the call from earlier. But as he laid there, Christopher already fast asleep against his side, he could feel his eyes growing heavy. 

He stirred momentarily, when he felt the other side of the bed shift. He glanced over at Buck, who simply smiled at him, running his hand along his arm. Eddie let his eyes start to drift shut again, feeling temporarily at ease. 

Maybe it would take time for him to fully heal from this call, but having Buck and Christopher there, having their love, well that would make it a whole lot easier to bear.

**Author's Note:**

> [Scream with me on my Tumblr?](https://doctornineandthreequarters.tumblr.com)


End file.
